Saturday, October 18, 2003

sometimes its quite hard to say how im feeling. i feel so bad letting others know whats wrong.. when i feel down, i have a tendency to "make" other ppl feel down with me.. i dont try to.. i really dont, and i dont know how i do it. maybe its just part of my personality.... personality... i kinda wonder what mines actually is sometimes.. do i act differently with certain ppl? or am i usually about the same? im not sure when ppl ask me "what im like" what to say... its oddly frightening not to be able to answer that question. anyways, heres something that... well, i was talking to someone, and this is how i feel about being sick:

"hopefully one day i can do what i want to.. i mean, there has to be a reason that i got it.. i believe that.. i dont think its Gods punishment or something... I have this to help m[e] somehow.. I believe that... Even tho its hard to keep faith thru it all, but yeah... I mean, thanks for the concern and all... But it isnt like theres anything you can do..."

i guess its true. i mean, no one can do anything about it... well, besides the doctors and all.. and im really hoping that the treatment works... cz if i dont respond to it.. i dont know what im going to do... ive been getting depressed enough and crying far too much as its been lately.. i dont need anything else bringing me down.
~Kirara~ at 10:38 PM

when life gets back to normal a little bit, he can find out. until then, i think i want to play 'keep away' ... as immature as that is, oh well. i still sleep with my chillybear, does it seem like i care about being "immature" ??? its not exactly as if its going to matter in the first place seeing how my world isnt never revolving the same way. oh well. lolz, my world is the vivi way. :P
~Kirara~ at 1:31 AM

Friday, October 17, 2003

i just hate it sometimes... knowing that the few things i want i can never have. and even if i can eventually have some of those things, not all of my wishes can come true.
~Kirara~ at 4:09 PM

Thursday, October 16, 2003

"itll take time" "in time youll get better" "its gonna take time to get over it" ... well what if im sick of waiting? every single person that tells me "in time" i want to break down in vicious tears and scream at them. i want to tell them: "why dont you try living with what i have? why dont you go thru one day being so insecure about yourself and hating yourself for something you have no control over! go thru one day in my shoes, one day when people look at you awful.. like youre a freak. go thru one day wanting to fit in again. then after you live thru it for one day, you can remember ive lived like that for over a year and a half... try and tell me 'in time'..." it isnt like ive always had to experience this.. im not used to it, even tho i try to be... i wasnt always sick, and now that i am, i hate it. people i used to be close with i dont even talk to anymore... i just feel.. i feel like im worth so much less now.. like i dont really matter... im nothing but a pain. i just want to be better, then leave... leave all of this pain and this hurt and this hatred behind me. i want people to care about me again how they used to... im sick of being "fragile" and im sick of hurting myself and im sick of hurting others...
~Kirara~ at 6:54 PM

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

About my Sexuality:

((according to studies, your sexual identity is
revealed by the first letter of your first name... ))

*V-You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

**Tequila Sunrise**
~Kirara~ at 8:48 PM

starting out, im not really sure what to say. its not exactly like i can blog what happens in my life... i stay home.. *sad sigh* i always delete my journals when certain people find them, so hopefully i wont delete this one.. i like it. *^_^* i guess like usual, itll be more of how im feeling than whats "going on." if it was any other way, every day would be "today, i stayed home. i did some homework." wow. exciting. sometimes i am extatically happy for no apparent reason. at other times, i do get quite down. my closest friends tend to cheer me up. most of the time without trying. (*^_^* muches loves to you Lissi and Carlos *^_^*)) besides that, i write everything out. well, not everything, but quite a bit. i advise to check out the links on the side. *points to left side of screen* especially the poems and quiz results! >.< and the xanga link goes to my xanga journal that i hardly update. lolz. i just wanted to try it out. :-P anyways, thats it for now. latah daze.
~Kirara~ at 7:10 PM

Starting out. *^_^*
~Kirara~ at 5:29 PM