Saturday, November 15, 2003

Not too shabby of a day. Czn Scott came over and played the guitar for a bit after I showed him the Dashboard DVD. He likes it. Thats good. ^_^ Given a few new assignments. HmMm... He made me smile//blush about something. *^_^* Haha. I went to mi aunts too. We watched the Dashboard DVD over there, too. And started Finding Nemo... Haha, the relationship between Merlin and Nemo is so much lik My mom and myself. I love it. I love mi Mom. Dave too. As much as they piss me off and as much as I piss them off.... I love them. They are good parents. I have to make sure to tell them that more often.... Well, its early, but I dont even want to be online... I just want to lay in the dark and think...
~Kirara~ at 11:08 PM

Friday, November 14, 2003

I am unaware of what to make of tonites events. All I want is to go to Borders to get my Love Hina Volume 2 and my Dashboard Confessional CD. I have the book in my hands, holding it as a child would; clinging to the book between my hands as if it were a golden treasure. Scanning, scanning, I find Dashboard Confession Unplugged [[MTV]] and happily leap back with excitement, cradling both of my new treasures. Out of nowhere, the vision of a scraggly man in dark clothing appears. Startled, I stop. Eyes still shining, I glance at the man. I am transfixed, afraid to look away for fear of him hurting me as he tells me his tale. "Ill have a lot of money someday. I can help you. I can pay for all the medical bills you need. Im going to be rich," he tells me with a monotone voice. "Thats okae," I softly reply, my eyes still dancing with the love for the treasure being held too tightly in my hands. I feel like a child. I am afraid of this man, yet I cannot move away. "I know you see a dog when you look at me," he continues, "I see a dog when I look in the mirror. Im cursed. My family is cursed," he says. "They have been for generations. It all started when a good Christian woman went to a fortune teller to find out what God had in store for her," he begins. I feel as tho I have fallen into a fantasy realm. This only happens in fantasies. People do not do this in real life. He continues his tale, but I cannot hear the words. In my head, all I can hear are my own words repeating 'Thats okae, Mister. Its being taken care of. All I want is my Dashboard CD...' Faintly, I hear his words as he tells me, "I can love you. I know what it feels like not to be loved. I can help you..." Again, the words repeat in my head: 'Thats okae, Mister. Its being taken care of. All I want is my Dashboard CD...' Why is this man here? I want him to go away, he is scaring me. Next to me, I can feel mi madre's presence tighten. 'Mama Bear is going to attack' I think with a smile. I feel so small, I feel like a child. Gripping tighter to the small collection in my hands, I am frozen, staring at this frightening man as Mom quietly tells him we are fine. I dont know why he leaves, but I am glad he does. Still I am not quite aware of the incident that had taken place, and even tho Madre warns me not to go away from her side, I am happy to be out of the house, and float myself about the store. Story Time is going on by the Mangas with all of the little kids. I cannot go over there and disturb them. I listen for a few seconds until Mom takes me away. I dont want to go home yet, and the scary man circles the store looking for us. Mom informs the management. I guess he was taken out of the store. I want to look still. Mom is tired, she is scared, she wants to go home. Finding Nemo is picked up somewhere along the line of my drifting. No Dashboard 2004 calendar is to be found with the walls of Borders. No problems, calendars are everywhere. Maybe at Best Buy' I think. Get in line. I drift to the magazines in a daze, scan the Anime magazines to find INUYASHA is plastered across the covers of many. Excited, I almost drop my CD to the floor as I raise my hands to my mouth and squeal. I feel so childlike and happy. 'Chris Carrabba, Chris Carrabba' repeats incessantly in my mind. Finally aware I cannot see mi madre, I walk to the check out. There she is, next in line... I am excited holding my CD, book, and movie. Mom is still scared of the man. The words he spoke to me play over in my head. The monotonous voice droning on. It still has no effect on me. "Im cursed," he said, "Im cursed." Why tell me that? Why lay down those words upon a sick 16-year old girl you dont know? I have my CD, I am happy. After spastic moments [[involving the opening of my CD]], I find myself walking to the truck. "No bag needed, thank you, I want to hold them." In the car, I relay the story to Mom. She did not know what the man said. She was on full defense, ready to attack. I walk in the door, the first words uttered from my mouth the story I knew Mom would tell wrong if I didnt tell it first. "Good thing I wasnt there," Dave says. "I would have socked him." "I know what its like not to feel loved. I can love you," I remember the man said. 'My friends love me. My family loves me. I love me. I am loved. You should be loved to, but not by me. You are scaring me' I remember wanting to say. I felt as tho any comment, any movement, would upset the man, and I was afraid for what he could do. But it is over, and now all I can do is try not to remember it. "You have no power over me." Why would he say such things to me? I will not think about it anymore. I will watch my Dashboard Unplugged [[MTV]] DVD and my Finding Nemo DVD and smile. And be happy. And wait to talk to Carlos and have him get the nights events to drift away...
~Kirara~ at 7:43 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Its fairly obvious what this is about:

I close my eyes with the inability to breathe. 'Why did I say that? Why did I take it that far? Im sorry. You have to know I didnt mean it, Im so sorry. I dont know how to say Im sorry. Im sorry.' How could I have even said such a thing? Over a stupid song, even. I knew it would hurt to say it even before you finished saying Dalias name. I knew whatever I was going to say, it was going to be mean; it was going to be wrong. But what did I do? I said it anyways. 'Breathe, Vivi, breathe. In... Out....' I cant speak. I feel horrible. I dont want to hang up, but I dont want to speak. Im scared to speak. Im scared of what youre thinking. Im scared of what I said. My mind races too fast. I try to control my thoughts and make my heart stop racing. A sudden dizzying spell falls over me. If I hadnt been laying down, I would have fallen to the floor. Seconds pass and I continue to breathe heavily. "Are you okae?" 'No.' "Yeah. Im okae." More silence. 'Im so sorry, Im so sorry.' I wish you hadnt called. You werent supposed to. You said you werent going to. I never would have said that if you hadnt. I thought you had things to do. I.. feel horrible. I dont want to remember that conversation. I deleted the recording. I never want to hear "Milkshake" again. I deleted the recording. I dont want to remember that. Im going to, you know. And I feel awful. You dont understand, you dont understand, I feel awful. Maybe just a few days? Just a few... so I can feel better? I never know how you really feel. I dont know if I really hurt you or if youre joking around.. I almost never know. I dont. You wont tell me. And Im left to guess.. And Im left to think the worst, and Im left to feel sick inside....
~Kirara~ at 5:30 PM

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Mmh. Im a little sad... Ive been alright today... Just a little sad. Thinking. Thats never good. [[hah]]

...........

I think I shouldnt talk to Carlos so much. Not that I dont want to. I enjoy it. I look forward to talking to him... Even tho sometimes I dont hear the words. But last night he told me he cant really do anything when hes talking to me.. I felt kinda bad. A lot. He has enough going on that he doesnt need to be sidetracked from. Work. School. I know he needs time to do his schoolwork, and he doesnt always have a lot of time in the first place. If talking to me is using time he can do his work with, I feel horrible. I know he needs to get it done. Hes been saying how he misses his family. Since hes so busy and his time track is so different from his familys, he hardly gets to see them. I feel so bad. I know that doesnt have anything to do with me, but still. I mean, I talk to him more in one night than I talk to most ppl in a month. Weve been talking even later recently... The other night until 4.30, another night until 3.30, another until 3.00.... Last night was early around 2.15. We really need to get on better sleep schedules. Bah, weve even been talking from 11.00 or 11.30 ... Maybe we just need to talk a little less? Maybe things will work out better if we do that... Not that I want to, but I feel so bad. I unno, Ill leave it to him on how much we talk. If its a lot, thats great. If its not as much, thats fine too. Cz I know he really needs to use his time, and I dont want to waste it.
~Kirara~ at 8:16 PM

Pink Snowflakes... Not bad of a band... Only heard a few songs... Not too shabby. *smiles* Made a snowman with Duugy, but he melted... Well, made him on MSN, but blogger melted him... Made him all skinny. Haha. His name was KaLbOn... Bet yah cant guess why!!! [[Tell 'em, Duugy!]] (~,~) Yeah. It hailed last night. It was really pretty lightening and thunder, too. I loved it. It made me sleep easier. I hope it rains tonite too.
~Kirara~ at 12:22 PM

Monday, November 10, 2003

OMG, us crazy kids!! [[lolz]] Carlos is almost catching up to Belsasar!! [[lolz]] So yesterday was all awesome *points to previous weblog* but then I got bored for a while... Around 11.30ish [[regular timing for us now]], I call Carlos... Yeah, so were talking, being our random, spastic selves, like always... Eeerdah. Yeah, and we come to the conclusion: we dont have normal coversations! Like, we have akward convos, but not akward silences... And definetly not regular convos either... So I try to start one... Which gets ruined by "Shake it like a polaroid picture..." by Carlos and mi random laughter and statement that it would look like spastic seisure movements since I was laying down... Carlos did.. something or another and started busting up... We arent normal. [[lolz]] Okae, yeah, so we are being random, whatever, hes plaing my Valkyrie Profile, and Im trying to help or whatever, but I suck cz I havent played it in forever. So yeah.... Its like.... 4.30 in the freaking morning when we finally get off the phone!! OMG!! [[lolz]] and he didnt even know.. I was like "Wow, Im special." [[lolz]] Haha, but yeah, at like, 4.00 hes all "Ah, mi ppl are gonna be up soon"-status, so I tell him "Tell them you just got up!" then my Mom wakes up and Im all like "Sh!et!" Then I like "Nah, mi moms cool...." So I yell "Gmorning, Mom!" and she comes in and Im all... still on the phone and shes just like... "Damn" [[lolz]]. I unno, it was funny... Yeah, and I woke up at like... 11.00 in the am... Kinda forgot to wake Carlos up at 12.00 cz I was doing homework.... Luckily when I called at 12.3 someone else had randomly alread called him, so thank goodness... [[lolz]]. Okae, well thats about... Thats kinda it... [[lolz]] and my creepy music, but no one ever sees this site anyways, so whateve. :P
~Kirara~ at 5:14 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Such an exciting day!!! +_+ I woke up, not in a happy way. Not good. But Dave told me Nana was picking me up at 1.30 to take me to see Brother Bear with her, my [krazy] czns, and mi aunt. So Im grouchy but happy. I get in the shower, take a niiiice loooong shower, felt sooooo incredibly good! *^_^* Hehe, I only had to use the cup to pour water on my back!! YAY! That means Im getting better cz it doesnt hurt to take a shower [as much]!! W00t! [[lolz]] So anyways, Im getting dressed and decide to wear mi cute little nutral outfit with the cute little hat, so I did. I wrote a really awesome entry for mi cooly journal, but rite when I pressed save mi damned computer crashed completely. It was all in good time [if it had to happen] cz mi Nana pulled up rite then. I brushed mi teeth and headed for Edward's. Yeah, so we met up with Cyndi, Kati, Carly, & Serena and went to see the movie. It was cute!! Not the best, but it was cute. I had a good time, and it was fun chylaxin with Kati! So yeah. Then Nana took me home and Dave drove me to mi aunts house. [Aunt Sabrina, the preachy one :P]

Yeah, so I got there and mi Gramma, Mom, Sessa, Cheyne, & Sabrina all complimented me on mi outfit and how well I actually matched. [[lolz]] I thought it was funny. And mi Gramma said I looked like a French girl cz of mi hat. [[lolz]] So that was cool. I talked to Sessa for a while and we hung out and she burned me the new Something Corporate CD. She said it was really good. I had Brazillian food for dinner [YuMmY!], and Sessa started to do mi nails. We didnt finish cz Dave was at home all hungry, so shes gonna paint them and all that fun stuff tomorrow or Tuesday. +_+ Before we left I gave Sabrina a back massage and she was sooo happy. It was a good night. It was interesting and fun. No fights, it was fun. :P

So tomorrow Mom has the day off. Ill probably run around with her and Gramma for a while and cyLax with Sabrina, Cheyne, and Sessa for a while too. Tuesday Sabrina has the day off, so I think she wanted to hang with me. Im not sure I can handle 3 days straight, but Ill try! :P [[hehe, Im mean, I know!] On Wednesday I should call Kim so we can do something [cz shes been wanting to get out of the house!] So I have to find some time [well, make some time] to get all my schoolwork done, cz I am falling a bit behind. (eEp!) So thats it for now!
~Kirara~ at 10:33 PM