Always Yours... Forever

Friday, November 28, 2003

Im standing in the middle of a decaying world. Thats how it feels to me right now. I know there are things going right, but they feel like an illusion. Im trying to smile still, Im trying to be bubbly. I have shot-dead no confidence in myself anymore. Not right now. I find myself attacking my weakness every chance I get, and giving myself no praise for what little I feel I do do well. Nothing seems to be enough for me tho. Not from myself. No matter what I try to do, Im still selfish, Im still immature, Im still rude, Im still carless, Im still spoiled, Im still lazy, Im still not cute, Im still not fun and exciting, Im still not perfect for anyone. So fuck me then. I just want to give up trying. But thats not who I am. Im gonna keep trying anyways. Why? Because Im stupid and I never realize when its time to give up and stop trying. And now I sound like Im pitying myself. Do I care at the moment? No.

~*~

Damn, all I wanted was to go Magic Mountain with Lissi, actually spend time with just me and her and have fun. Is that so hard to do? Kati has to leech herself to Lissi, so I dont get to spend time with her. Then even if that happens and Paul goes to hang out with me, Mike would go... Okae, so Mike would be with Paul. And that leaves me... where? My mom made me burst out in tears on the way home... I told her all I wanted was to spend time with my cousin, and she just says "She isnt even your real cousin." Just like that. I wanted to jump out of the damn car at 45mph.

...and the world crumbles just a little more...

And Im trying to be so fucking strong. Im trying to deal with everything thats going on and still be here for my friends and still be here for my family. Me and Lissi are growing apart; she wont even tell me what going on or whats wrong... My aunt is going into surgery next month... Carlos is feeling... downish and all cz of the Yolanda-thing... My mom is spazzing for every whatever reason, my czn Vanessa is moving out, Daves working hard to get extra dollars... And I feel like Im nothing. Im not doing anything helpful for anyone. Im just making everything harder on everyone.
~Kirara~ at 10:23 PM

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

[[and the words that you say, they echo in my head]]

Today started yesterday. I talked to Carlos until 4.00am again. Agh, I was woken up [[after finally falling asleep at 6.00am]] at 10.00am by a phone call from an aunt that Ive hardly known. She was excited to talk to me and she told me all about my two little czns. The ones that live on the Hoopa Indian Reservation up North. I cant wait to meet them... I met one of them when he was a baby... But I was very young, too, and hardly remember it at all. Today just consisted of phone call after phone call. Doctors, doctors, familia, doctors, familia, school, familia, Vanessa, and familia. And Lissi is here now... I wont get to see her until tomorrow night or Thursday tho. I watch Cheyne again tomorrow, and we should be renting movies this time. I hope. Im gonna miss the hyper little guy. Hes going to Arizona with his dad until January... I found something out from mi mom that doesnt make me the happiest person, but Im gonna keep mi promise... And its probably for the better anyways. And mi mom thinks Im crazy too... Haha, not going into that. School is definetly rolling. Hmm... finally. And Ive been writing too.... BTW,

*~*

Its so weird... So weird. My Little Rinoa, and I forgot to tell you:
I dont know you, my dear, not in person. But I felt you were here yesterday. When I fell asleep watching Nemo with my czn, I felt my head in your lap as you stroked my hair behind my ears... Just how I know you would. And I fell asleep hearing your voice how I think you would sound telling me, "Sleep, my Little One, dream." And I did. The gentleness and care that you project.... You wished me sweetdreams and sent me to sleep... Just the way Vanessa did.
~Kirara~ at 10:11 PM

Continuance of interest:

Carlos was late, but not 4 hours. [[grr]] Haha, at least he called and let me know... Yep, 4 hours of trying to wake him up... *slaps self* Never again. Watched Cheyne today. Little sweetie slept until late! I sat here randomly typing away as he slept. Anyways, Cheyne and Carlos... dont get along. Cheyne wants to punk him up. Carlos called Cheyne a punk... and a Smurf... That pissed Cheyne off... Like wow. Carlos threatened to come over and "fight" with him... Im sitting in the living room eating a Cup-O-Noodle in my PJAIS... So Im like "haha, no." And he realized: "Err--dah, Kid is 10. Duh. Eight years." Dork. Yeah, *twas interesting. Very funny, very. And no, Carlos, you arent a hooker [[as far as I know.....]] But you are slow. Haha. .... Took my shower finally then me and Cheyne watched Finding Nemo in my room... I fell asleep a little after 4.00pm. I guess my Mom took Cheyne home [[but hes coming back tomorrow *^_^*]]... She woke me up at like, 8.00ish [[I think]] to eat dinner... So yes, Little Vivi took a nap. And it caused her to fall behind on her other journal... *eep* ||Will finish after posting this...|| Waking up I decide: theres some ppl I dont want reading my Xanga... and so I change it... *New link already linked on side!* Its pretty... I think. But just getting started. Duugy "aww"ed the Ring picture... [[Its not a engagement ring or whatever]] cz yeah, I told him I dont have anybody that I can share one with... So blah at me. Anyways, I know there was more... but at the moment, my thoughts fail me.
~Kirara~ at 12:58 AM

Monday, November 24, 2003

Well, isnt this morning already interesting? Its 8.12am and Ive been up for an hour. Lets see how Vivi wakes up today:

Mom walks into room around 6.45: "Did you tell him?" *Vivi mumbles* Mom doesnt understand and walks out of room. Fifteen minutes later, she returns. "Why did you ask that?" I mumble into my pillow. Mom strains to understand, and does. "Just curious." "I dont think hes that slow, Mom. I think he knows." "Im going to get Cheyne." *More mumbles from Vivi* "Mom, dont turn the heater on." Mom leaves, then Vivi notices ants are attacking her. DAMMITT! Vivi gets up, takes medicines, goes to living room. 7.15 am: soaks and records videos. 8.00am, okae, need to start trying to wake Carlos up. *Call Cell* No answer. 'OMG, he forgot to take it off silent, Dork.' *Tries again, leaves a message* Waits a few minutes, then calls [one] of the houses. *rings, no answer* Tries [other] house. *rings, no answer* OMG, Child, I tried. Rahr, Grumpy Vivi. Tries cell again. *no answer* IM//txt: "HEY SMART ONE: YOURE PHONE IS STILL ON SILENT, ISNT IT?"
~Kirara~ at 8:27 AM

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Okae--this is getting written out: Yes, for some damned reason, I am missing Alex. I am going to go visit him. I do miss talking to him... [[sometimes]] He was a very good friend of mine, I dont think I can help that! And it bugs me that Ive been thinking about him recently. I just wanted to get over that part of my life and be happy, but we were too close for me to let go so fast. I cant part like that. And that bugs me. And I dont know how hes taking it that I want to spend a little bit of time with him. I really dont.

Also, I think things have been misunderstood to a degree in my other journal. The.. I just think ppl think its worse than it really is. Or maybe they see it all differently than I do... But I dont think its that bad. This has happend to me before [[to a lesser deggree]], and Ive made it out of that fine. All I think I need to do is like I said: hold back. It isnt that hard. For me, at least. So please, yahll, thanks for caring and trying to help, and for taking you time, but I know it isnt as bad as maybe it sounds... is it?
~Kirara~ at 10:35 PM

Nothing really evenful. I went to mi Aunts house. Mi Sessa went to dinner at a friends house before she was going to go out. It was Maritsas 23^rd birthday on Wednesday [[11//19//03]]. So while Vanessa was still gone, Maritsa came by wit hher son Alex. Mi Aunt said Alex could spend the night with Cheyne so they could hang out. Maritsas daughter stayed with Maritsas Mom [[i think]]. Anyways, I absolutely love that girl. She is so sweet, shes so cool. I want to adopt her as like, my czn. *^_^* Anyways, I was just really tired last night, but I was achey all over, so I took a bunch of pills and knocked out. Im gonna do the same thing tonight. I feel like.. bleh. My Aunt gave me a journal to write in... Im gonna use it. Ive noticed I dont write out what I should, and I do write out the things that dont bother me as much. I guess I have to deal with things on my own or whatever, I dont know. PS//Lissi will be here in a few days! Yay! And Paul, Im sorry, I love you!!
~Kirara~ at 4:22 PM


Always Yours... Forever
Friday, November 28, 2003 Im standing in the middle of a decaying world. Thats how it feels to me right now. I know there are things going right, but they feel like an illusion. Im trying to smile still, Im trying to be bubbly. I have shot-dead no confidence in myself anymore. Not right now. I find myself attacking my weakness every chance I get, and giving myself no praise for what little I feel I do do well. Nothing seems to be enough for me tho. Not from myself. No matter what I try to do, Im still selfish, Im still immature, Im still rude, Im still carless, Im still spoiled, Im still lazy, Im still not cute, Im still not fun and exciting, Im still not perfect for anyone. So fuck me then. I just want to give up trying. But thats not who I am. Im gonna keep trying anyways. Why? Because Im stupid and I never realize when its time to give up and stop trying. And now I sound like Im pitying myself. Do I care at the moment? No. ~~ Damn, all I wanted was to go Magic Mountain with Lissi, actually spend time* with just me and her and have fun. Is that so hard to do? Kati has to leech herself to Lissi, so I dont get to spend time with her. Then even if that happens and Paul goes to hang out with me, Mike would go... Okae, so Mike would be with Paul. And that leaves me... where? My mom made me burst out in tears on the way home... I told her all I wanted was to spend time with my cousin, and she just says "She isnt even your real cousin." Just like that. I wanted to jump out of the damn car at 45mph. ...and the world crumbles just a little more... And Im trying to be so fucking strong. Im trying to deal with everything thats going on and still be here for my friends and still be here for my family. Me and Lissi are growing apart; she wont even tell me what going on or whats wrong... My aunt is going into surgery next month... Carlos is feeling... downish and all cz of the Yolanda-thing... My mom is spazzing for every whatever reason, my czn Vanessa is moving out, Daves working hard to get extra dollars... And I feel like Im nothing. Im not doing anything helpful for anyone. Im just making everything harder on everyone. ~Kirara~ at 10:23 PM Tuesday, November 25, 2003 [[and the words that you say, they echo in my head]] Today started yesterday. I talked to Carlos until 4.00am again. Agh, I was woken up [[after finally falling asleep at 6.00am]] at 10.00am by a phone call from an aunt that Ive hardly known. She was excited to talk to me and she told me all about my two little czns. The ones that live on the Hoopa Indian Reservation up North. I cant wait to meet them... I met one of them when he was a baby... But I was very young, too, and hardly remember it at all. Today just consisted of phone call after phone call. Doctors, doctors, familia, doctors, familia, school, familia, Vanessa, and familia. And Lissi is here now... I wont get to see her until tomorrow night or Thursday tho. I watch Cheyne again tomorrow, and we should be renting movies this time. I hope. Im gonna miss the hyper little guy. Hes going to Arizona with his dad until January... I found something out from mi mom that doesnt make me the happiest person, but Im gonna keep mi promise... And its probably for the better anyways. And mi mom thinks Im crazy too... Haha, not going into that. School is definetly rolling. Hmm... finally. And Ive been writing too.... BTW, ~ Its so weird... So weird. My Little Rinoa, and I forgot to tell you: I dont know you, my dear, not in person. But I felt you were here yesterday. When I fell asleep watching Nemo with my czn, I felt my head in your lap as you stroked my hair behind my ears... Just how I know you would. And I fell asleep hearing your voice how I think you would sound telling me, "Sleep, my Little One, dream." And I did. The gentleness and care that you project.... You wished me sweetdreams and sent me to sleep... Just the way Vanessa did. ~Kirara~ at 10:11 PM Continuance of interest: Carlos was late, but not 4 hours. [[grr]] Haha, at least he called and let me know... Yep, 4 hours of trying to wake him up... slaps self Never again. Watched Cheyne today. Little sweetie slept until late! I sat here randomly typing away as he slept. Anyways, Cheyne and Carlos... dont get along. Cheyne wants to punk him up. Carlos called Cheyne a punk... and a Smurf... That pissed Cheyne off... Like wow. Carlos threatened to come over and "fight" with him... Im sitting in the living room eating a Cup-O-Noodle in my PJAIS... So Im like "haha, no." And he realized: "Err--dah, Kid is 10. Duh. Eight years." Dork. Yeah, twas interesting. Very funny, very. And no, Carlos, you arent a hooker* [[as far as I know.....]] But you are slow. Haha. .... Took my shower finally then me and Cheyne watched Finding Nemo in my room... I fell asleep a little after 4.00pm. I guess my Mom took Cheyne home [[but hes coming back tomorrow ^_^]]... She woke me up at like, 8.00ish [[I think]] to eat dinner... So yes, Little Vivi took a nap. And it caused her to fall behind on her other journal... eep \|\|Will finish after posting this...\|\| Waking up I decide: theres some ppl I dont want reading my Xanga... and so I change it... New link already linked on side! Its pretty... I think. But just getting started. Duugy "aww"ed the Ring picture... [[Its not a engagement ring or whatever]] cz yeah, I told him I dont have anybody that I can share one with... So blah at me. Anyways, I know there was more... but at the moment, my thoughts fail me. ~Kirara~ at 12:58 AM Monday, November 24, 2003 Well, isnt this morning already interesting? Its 8.12am and Ive been up for an hour. Lets see how Vivi wakes up today: Mom walks into room around 6.45: "Did you tell him?" Vivi mumbles Mom doesnt understand and walks out of room. Fifteen minutes later, she returns. "Why did you ask that?" I mumble into my pillow. Mom strains to understand, and does. "Just curious." "I dont think hes that slow, Mom. I think he knows." "Im going to get Cheyne." More mumbles from Vivi "Mom, dont turn the heater on." Mom leaves, then Vivi notices ants are attacking her. DAMMITT! Vivi gets up, takes medicines, goes to living room. 7.15 am: soaks and records videos. 8.00am, okae, need to start trying to wake Carlos up. Call Cell No answer. 'OMG, he forgot to take it off silent, Dork.' Tries again, leaves a message Waits a few minutes, then calls [one] of the houses. rings, no answer Tries [other] house. rings, no answer OMG, Child, I tried. Rahr, Grumpy Vivi. Tries cell again. no answer IM//txt: "HEY SMART ONE: YOURE PHONE IS STILL ON SILENT, ISNT IT?" ~Kirara~ at 8:27 AM Sunday, November 23, 2003 Okae--this is getting written out: Yes, for some damned reason, I am missing Alex. I am going to go visit him. I do miss talking to him... [[sometimes]] He was a very good friend of mine, I dont think I can help that! And it bugs me that Ive been thinking about him recently. I just wanted to get over that part of my life and be happy, but we were too close for me to let go so fast. I cant part like that. And that bugs me. And I dont know how hes taking it that I want to spend a little bit of time with him. I really dont. Also, I think things have been misunderstood to a degree in my other journal. The.. I just think ppl think its worse than it really is. Or maybe they see it all differently than I do... But I dont think its that bad. This has happend to me before [[to a lesser deggree]], and Ive made it out of that fine. All I think I need to do is like I said: hold back. It isnt that hard. For me, at least. So please, yahll, thanks for caring and trying to help, and for taking you time, but I know it isnt as bad as maybe it sounds... is it? ~Kirara~ at 10:35 PM Nothing really evenful. I went to mi Aunts house. Mi Sessa went to dinner at a friends house before she was going to go out. It was Maritsas 23^rd birthday on Wednesday [[11//19//03]]. So while Vanessa was still gone, Maritsa came by wit hher son Alex. Mi Aunt said Alex could spend the night with Cheyne so they could hang out. Maritsas daughter stayed with Maritsas Mom [[i think]]. Anyways, I absolutely love that girl. She is so sweet, shes so cool. I want to adopt her as like, my czn. ^_^ Anyways, I was just really tired last night, but I was achey all over, so I took a bunch of pills and knocked out. Im gonna do the same thing tonight. I feel like.. bleh. My Aunt gave me a journal to write in... Im gonna use it. Ive noticed I dont write out what I should, and I do write out the things that dont bother me as much. I guess I have to deal with things on my own or whatever, I dont know. PS//Lissi will be here in a few days! Yay! And Paul, Im sorry, I love you!! ~Kirara~ at 4:22 PM
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