Dreaming of Reality

2004-05-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

ahhh!! been forever since i remembered this thing!! haha, gaia has stolen my life away... XD ...*forgets about real world* ... *forgets about updating journals about forgetting about real world* ...o.0

okae, so im back in rela school now.. hanging out with some crazy, psychotic freaks! ..i love them! ^_^ haha. spent most of last week with them after all the STAR days... cusp we had very little homework. *sighs at word* ..not SCHOOLWORK done at home.. actual HOMEwork! :P

anyways, ppls should be coming over this weekend too.. i might go to Main with heather. ^_^ fun, yesh?! muchly. :3nod ..i might steal her saturday to watch donnie darko again.. and a walk to remember and ..aw, hell.. brain broke. that other mandy moore movie that i own that i was all obsessed with that i still think is greatness... ... .... yesh. :3nod

I WANNA GO TO CANADA!! i will go there.. i WILL! im looking at Canadian Universities... ((damn this keyboard is soo weird compared to mines!! >.<)) Right now Im still looking at St. Marys in halifax.. but Duugy keeps saying UofV. ..ill look into it.. :3nod

yeah, shakespeare class is about to start... have an exam on macbeth.. must go.. *runs off* ...*rapes donnie darko* :wee:

2004-04-03T23:53:00.000-08:00

prom is coming up...
eewwie, im getting sickened by tha thought of it.. feel bad cz V is all into it.. but.. gross.

2004-03-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

Duugy - Underestimate me, It makes my job easier says:
hmmm
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
[?]
Duugy - Underestimate me, It makes my job easier says:
and god created emo, and everyone saw that it was good
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
yep!
Duugy - Underestimate me, It makes my job easier says:
lol
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
personally, i think "religion" is kinda evil.. i think FAITH is good. Faith in GOD, but religion.. is drama..
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
but if EMO is religion, all is well in the world
Duugy - Underestimate me, It makes my job easier says:
i guess it all depends how you look at god and what part he plays in your life
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
yep
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
i just.. think how much drama is in the world based, not on FAITH, but on RELIGION..
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
cz "religion" places FAITH in GOD, but other aspects are altered, creating the differences
Duugy - Underestimate me, It makes my job easier says:
i think pp put too much importance into religion and denomination then faith adn god
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
exactly!
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
so i denounce mi religion to emo and place mi faith in God
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
XD
Duugy - Underestimate me, It makes my job easier says:
:Þ
Yumei;* : God is mi fayth;* emo is mi Religion;* says:
im putting this convo into mi blogger

2004-03-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

reminder: must buy Count the Stars' Another Useless Night.. And whatever the name of the Story of the Year album is.

2004-02-18T19:37:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day was pretty awesome. I spent pretty much the whole day [[and spent the night]] with Vanessa and her sisters. Besides the tears, it was super-awesome!!! But at the same time, I think the tears let me know that Vanessa and I still trust each other like that. Im glad that were still friends. Im glad that were close..

Battle of the Bands is this Saturday.. I guess I was the first to buy mi ticket.. I bought 2. Tried to get Carlos to go; doubt he will. Either way, I invited Vanessa to go too if she wants.. She might, might not. I have to call mi Sessa and see if she wants to go. I like going to these kinds of things... Just not by myself. Groups are fun. *cheezy smiles*

PS//April 19, 2004:mark your calenders!

2004-02-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

*excited*Dashboard Confessional has a new music video!! Its for "Rapid Hope Loss!" I streamed it from MTV.com earlier. I was like, "Whoa, new hairstyle, Chris." I dont like it as much, but still, hes mi sexxxy obsession. :P

2004-02-05T23:04:00.000-08:00

*dances in small circles humming "Dancing with Myself" [Blink 182]*

2004-01-31T19:42:00.000-08:00

Sadly, I didnt go to the concert. I got dressed to go. Put on mi ONeils and mi red RXBandits top [probably for the last time :P]. I had on mi rainbow socks and mi shoes with the star laces... I was so ready to go... And mi Czn cancells. She was too tired. I mean, I wasnt as excited about the show itself as I was just to go to the show... Which I didnt. And then mi parentals wouldnt even take me to Borders... I was pretty pissed off that I had to sit at home all damn night. I even tried to see what Heather or Manda were doing.. If maybe the wanted to go... But yeah. Apparently I didnt go...

I went to Borders today tho. Hehe, most of the ppl that work there know me now. [[lolz]] The cashier was even like, "You practically live here." Mi madre says the same thing. spent like, $40-some odd. The Gossip Girl series was recommended to me, so I bough the box set with the first 3 books. I didnt have enough for the 4th book [which just came out] cz I had to get a CD. That was the point of going. I debated for a few CDs that are on mi list and came home with Count the Stars' Never Be Taken Alive. I just ripped it, so Im gonna add it into mi playlist and check it out.. And I added a few more CDs to "wishlist" :

Punk Goes Acoustic

Fall Out Boy Take This to Your Grave

The Promise Ring 30 Degrees Everywhere

The Promise Ring Electric Pink [EP]

The Promise Ring Very Emergency

The New Amsterdams Never You Mind

The Starting Line Say It Like You Mean It ((even tho I have it burned, Paul missed a song... and those guys are garage cute, so score! for them!!))

Yeah. So thats the addition to the list which already contains:

Brand New Your Favorite Weapon

Brand New Deja Entendu

Death Cab For Cutie Photobooth

Thursday Waiting

Thursday War All the Time

2004-01-30T01:43:00.000-08:00

Score for Vivi! I get to go back to school for fourth quarter! Yay for me; Im excited. Ive just been getting good news upon good news. So yay. XD Haha, Im hoping to run into a few cooly ppl tomorrow, err--today, at the Homegrown//Mest//Fall Out Boy//Mad Castle show. Gotta call Sessa around 5.30 to check and make sure were going. Cz Im sure Carlos wouldnt want to go with me cz hes evil and mean like that. XD Not that Id probably even talk to him there. :P Anyways, Im hoping to catch Chasing Liberty soon [finally]. Geh, it sucks not having dollars. Except I did, but now I dont again. Thankful that the showis only $13. Score! *adds points*

2004-01-24T21:56:00.000-08:00

Interesting few days! Im in a pretty good mood, despite that today ruined mi streak of leaving the house. The other day... Wednesday, I was practically crying because I was so sick of being in the house. Mi madre took me to mi Aunts house... For like, point.2 seconds to pick up mi czn Cheyne. I took him to see Elf at the $3 theatre. It was so much fun, cz I never really get to go out with mi little cousin. I love him. We got him home kind of late, which sucked cz neither of us had eaten, he hadnt done his homework, it was 9.30, his bedtime is 9.00, and he had school the next day (and hes in grade 5). But we ate microwave dinners (which were really yummy), then he did his homework. Mi madre y yo left; Cheyne and mi tia went to bed.

On Thursday, I kept begging mi mom to take me to mi tias house again to hang out with her and Cheyne. She wouldnt. Luckily, Vanessa called me to go to the wrestling match. I asked to go, we did. So I met Arnold, Vanessas novio. Hes pretty cool; he has mi approval. But yeah, Im never going to another wrestling match again. Sexed-out tree frogs, I swear. Its nasty. It just... is. [[Finally Brian gets the joke... haha]] Anyways, yeah, and I sae Chris B., which made me really happy. Cz seriously, Ive really missed that kid. I just have.

Yesterday, I called Vanessa up cz we had plans to go get pampered. So we go pick her up, and mi madre drops us off at the nail place. We get manicure//pedicures, which was sooo awesome. I got a french on mi toes, and it looks super kawaii. The girl was kind of a bitch to me tho, and mi nails [hands] arent the color I wanted.. And today, theyre like, all already chipped... So that sucks. *rolls eyes* Whatever. I had fun being with Vanessa. Anyways, last night was supposed to be mi orientation for mi College Astronomy class, so mi Czn Vanessa comes to pick me up... We get to VC... no cars. WTF. So she takes me back home, but like, we have out little adventure to Macys first... And shes telling me about her Sheriff-guy and stuff... *winks* But yeah, I get home and check online... My class... orientation... TBA. So WTF, it better not be this week!!!

Today I was supposed to go to mi Tias house so she can trim mi hair before I leave... So I can "feel good." Except mi mom didnt want to take me, so I stayed home all day... I was even dressed all cute and stuff!! Rahr! But one of mi teachers came by and dropped off a whole bunch of work I have to have done by next Saturday... yeah, hopefully I will since Im LEAVING tomorrow!!! And I sleep practically the entire time Im in Westwood. [[lolz]]

I have kind of a lot of work to do. I only have 2 things left to finish for Abbott right now... Well, 1.5, actually. Just half of an essay, and typing up a journal. Not a biggie. Ive got about half of a section review for Psych, so thats not a big deal either. After that tho, Im done with the class. Score! Uhm, I finished the Chapter 3 Test and quizzes for Spanish that I got today... Ive been done with the Chap 4 Vocab.... All I have to finish for Spanish by Saturday is about 9 activities... Bleh. What Im worrying [slightly] about is mi math. By the Friday I get back, I have 4 assignments I need to have done... And I dont want to bring mi book with me... That means I need to finish them by tomorrow night... And I didnt get a chance to ask mi czn to help me a little... Cz Ive done it... Except I cant really remember how to DO it very well... Bleh. And it isnt like theres a whole lot of problems, its just that... Its longish, and I cant remember how to do it correctly... I tried looking in the stupid book, but what good does that ever do? [[lolz]]

2004-01-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

Yay! Its all pretty and girly now! Its just dammitt that I cant remember how to make my damn "entries" scroll!! I hate that stupid box being as long as it is! Thats kinda annoying...

2004-01-16T10:21:00.000-08:00

Eventually Im going to make this lighter, happier, and much prettier. Bear with me until then.

Ive been spending way too much money lately. I mean, like, $80 in 2 days! Yeah, doesnt seem like that much, but it is. At least Im now the proud owner of How to Deal, as well as some very ace CDs: Further Seems Forever The Moon is Down, Taking Back Sunday Tell All Your Friends (yay, I FINALLY own it!), and Death Cab for Cutie Transatlanticism (yes, Carlos, you rock). All very good CDs. I also bought dinner (Carls Jr) for mi fam last night. It was pretty schway. ...What else? Just some stuff.. :P

2004-01-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

I got the most absolutely sweet comment last night//this morning on mi daily journal. Id like to share it with everyone:

"You really need to get some help on controlling your need to expose these innocent minds on FOD to "breast" that appear to look like my ass crack, and your need to shift every other letter. You love emo, eh? take emo and shove it up your ass because if you love emotions that damn much, i dont think its necessary to bitch about it to the rest of the world.
im sick of you 13 year old shit faces who talk about emo and wear "black clothing". where the hell do you come off thinking you know ANYTHING about music? Let me guess, you wear chuck taylors, play an acoustic guitar, a Good Charlotte shirt, enjoy long nights crying about the boy you cannot have and wishing on shootingstars. congradulations, you love punk music and live in shit.
for the love of all things holy, how much time does it take you write your entries about your pathetic life? i fell asleep half way through this entry that you deticated every html code in the world to. by the way, ASIAN isn't spelt AZN, i think the great continent of Asia would appreciate it if you didn't turn the spelling around, you stupid shitface."

Of course, this delightful comment was left unsigned because we all know how mature people like this are. And as much as I dont have to explain myself to anyone, Id like to clarify a few things to this person:

i happen to like that picture. a lot. so i dont really care if you dont like it. its mi journal.

i dont what you mean about shifting letters

i do like emo, and i never forced you to look at, let alone read my journal. i can write whatever i want to.

if you paid as much attention to mi description as it seems you did, youd see im almost 17, not 13, moron. learn your math, or go back to 2^nd grade.

and yeah, i like black clothes, but i wear earth tones more than anything.

and no, i dont wear chucks, i wear hurley shoes or sandles. you dont like that? oh well.

i dont play guitar; i want to learn drums.

and i most definetly dont wear anything good charlotte. dashboard confessional or the ataris? thats different. they dont suck.

i dont cry about a boy i cant have, but i do think about it. girls [like me] tend to do that.

i dont wish on shooting stars; i make mi own dreams come true.

oh, and learn that congratulations isnt spelt with a "d."

and again i say, i never forced you to read mi journal. if its so boring, whyd you take the time to read and comment?

and so what if i like to use html? i learned to love to make things aesthetically pleasing.

oh, and i know its ASIAN, but spelling it out all the way would have caused the line to overflow to the next. i choose to spell it my way, thanks.

[[Oh, referring to this picture:]]

2004-01-01T21:47:00.000-08:00

My Hand-Written New Years Eve Feelings:

"I dont want to be awake. I didnt want to be here. I was trying so hard not to be. Happy Fucking 'New Years'!!! Seems like the year just wont be getting any better than the last... Might as well dive into the wonderful world of The Virgin Suicides where they all find the wrong way out. All I wanted was to not be here. 30 more fucking minutes. You couldnt wait 30 minutes to ruin my joy? Why even be awake? Just go to sleep. Dont start off in tears--dont start off at all. Not here. Not listening to this..."

End.

2003-12-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

Mom bought me The Lion King special edition DVD last night! Rockage! Thats so ace! And mi aunt took me to get mi blades.. So I can get in-shape-ish again! Not to mention I got a Dashboard CD and a Michelle Branch. Hah. Yeah, I didnt go to Borders today. Must get mi book and mi CD, dammitt!!! Rahr!~*~

Wasting My Time

Which emo song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-26T21:38:00.000-08:00

I think Im getting better now. Very glad for that. Certain little something getting to me. Sorry, Carlos. Maybe Ill post it in LJ later. *shrugs* I didnt mean to.. "go off" on you.. Even tho I didnt really.. I just didnt feel like getting into it.~*~IMed Alex today. He never even called me yesterday. "I promise Ill call to say Merry Christmas." Yeah right. And he wonders why everytime he asks if I trust him I say no. What reason do I have to have faith in guys anymore at all?

You are a Spiritualist. Your magic flows from the
primal forces of the cosmos. You could be a
gentle Healer, a miraculous Prophet or a
spirit-summoning War-mage with the strong link
your soul provides to the realms beyond
reality. You have preternatural abilities,
intutively sensing the personality of people
you meet and discerning events yet to happen.
You enhance your aura with meditative pursuits.
You are a good judge of character but your
idealism or morality can confuse others.

Which Magical Order Are You In?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-25T23:34:00.000-08:00

Vivi had quite a good Christmas. Definetly more than I expected. Muchly cute, tambien. Hehe. Here:

4 piars of kawaii toe socks: 2 frogs, 1 monkeys, 1 snowflakes

GBASP [[definetly didnt expect this!!]]

tons of accessories & chargers and extra stuff I have no clue what to do with!!!

Final Fantasy Tactics, which Im not very good at yet. Yes, (¿.?) is me.

New, way better CD case than I had before.

.hack Vol 2

Love Hina Vols 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14 [[Only missing 12, 14, 16 out of the whole series now; got a gift certificate to get them!]]
3 DVDs: Princess Mononoke [[excellent]], Spirited Away [[my fav]], & A Guy Thing [[Love Julia Stiles]]

lamp for mi room

pants

shopping trip with tia y Sessa

$$ for blades

...other stuff; cant remember rite now...

*no Dashboard stuff* :*( [[Sessa couldnt find poster; think shes gonna try to get CDs tho]]

You are Mimiru! With a big sword and a matching
personality, you are always a good friend to
have in combat! You are also one of the only
girl fighters with a sword, so be happy!

What .hack//SIGN persona are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-12-22T21:14:00.000-08:00

I saw Alex yesterday. Wish I hadnt, but I did. The parents and I went to the mall to do a little Christmas shopping, we went into that bookstore to see if they had a calender for Kati. I walked out of the store really quick, thought I saw [evil] Josh, so I walked back in super fast. Guess who was with the evil bastard, but Alex. So he calls my name. Dont want to ignore him; dont want to see him yet. I turn around. Give him a hug and whatnot. Quick less-than-a-minute conversation. Gbye. I made an attempt to be nice to Josh. I waved "bye" at him. Haha, then txted Alex with "Josh, again?" to which I received no reply. I... "hate" that guy. ERGH. But yeah, I was happy to see Alex; not happy for him to see me. *sad face* I hate being shallow. Oh well... I guess with Carlos* theory, its easy to forget about me.*~*I got really sick last night. I felt like I was literally dying. I couldnt feel my body; I couldnt even tell if I was actually awake or not. When I got up to walk to the bathroom to throw water on my face, I couldnt feel myself touching the floor. Not only that, but my head was so heavy that I could hold it up and kept slamming into walls. It was horrible. And now the poison is back too. Not pleasant. I couldnt sleep well at all. Waking up every few hours isnt fun. And I slept all today after soaking. Still not feeling very great tho. Reh.

2003-12-19T22:14:00.000-08:00

You are Hands Down. You are a little uncertain
about things, but always hope for the best. In
a way, you get a feeling that everything will
be just perfect, but you still get a little
nervous and uneasy at first.

If you were a Dashboard song, what would it be?
brought to you by Quizilla

OMG, Chris. Wow. Can you be any more awesome? I didnt think so.

2003-12-14T22:25:00.000-08:00

WAY happy. OMG, super happy. Alex called me tonite... By himself. I feel so awesome right now. *^_^* He misses me. hehe, Thats awesome. I know he doesnt like the fact that I dont *like* him anymore... I can tell... And.. And.. And.. he doesnt like that he has been "replaced" in any manner. Hes jealous of Brian and Carlos. Haha. Yeah, and okae, at the very end of our conversation, this is how it went:
Him: I just want to tell you something
Me: Go for it
Him: I liked when you liked me
Me: I dont know how to respond to that
Him: Dont respond to it. Just think about it
Me: What am I supposed to think about it?
Him: I dont know, just keep it in your head...

Yeah. And practically the whole time he was like.. "You dont love me anymore"-status. And I didnt want to be like... "Yeah, I probably dont, do I?" or "Well, with the way you were to me, why would I?" [[lolz]] I unno, it just makes me feel really good to know that he was thinking about me, and that he misses me. Is that horrible?

2003-12-14T14:58:00.000-08:00

Bed time: It keeps getting later... I think Im to 4.30am now, usually. Dont get off the phone until 2.00 or 2.30am anyways...
Longest phone convo: Grade 6~Belsasar Lepe for 8 hours straight
What's on your rooms walls: Currently...? Uhm... [[this is before room redecoration]] I have a red RXBandits shirt, Fflattened sun balloon from the last dance of Grade 9, CD covers in a wooden frame, Hawaiian decorations.. little pictures.
What does your room look like: Right now it sucks and its white with holes in the walls from the stuff Ive taken down, theres a Blue Hawaiian-looking skirt//wrap-thing drapping over my blinds... And yeah, cluttered and too small.
What's your computer background: Is tyte: I have an Experimental Series Lain Desktop Theme right now.
If you could change one thing about your appearance: Heh, not be sick. Duh.
Can u sing: Not as well as I used to. Thats why I dont anymore.

::::::The Future::::::

Place to live: Colorado... or somewhere kold
Spouse?: I hope so.
If yes, who: Someone I am deeply in love with wh is deeply in love with me.
Job: author
Car: Heh. Uhm, an Infiniti [[like Sessas, cz its sweeeet]] and a N350z. *drool*
Kids: Damn straight. I want to be in my early twenties... and like, a few kids.

:::::have YOU ever?:::::

Kissed your cousin: On the cheek or whatever.
Thought your cousin was hot: Yeah, but he wasnt a blood czn... And I was like... WAY young.
Ran away: When I was little I ran away to my little clubhuse for like... 3 hours. Then I got hungry.
Broke someone's heart: Yeah
Been in love: Yes, I have.
Broken a bone: Nah...
Stolen anything: Dun think so
Smoked: Nope.
Smoked weed: Hell NAH.
Done other drugs: Nope.
Puked on purpose (balemic): Nope.
Lied: Yeah.
Kissed in the rain: Its a dream I have...
Kissed. Period: Yeah

:::::Do you believe in:::::

Love at first site: Hell no. LUST is at first sight.
Kisses on a first date: Yeah, nothing wrong with it.
Monsters: Monsters Inc, baby!
Aliens: Sure, by other names.. To think we are the only things in the entire universe and beyond is feaking stupid thinking.
Ghosts: More of "spirits" but sure, why not.
Heaven: You betcha.
Hell: Yeah, I do

:::::Which is better:::::

Internet or telephone: Depends on for what.
One pillow or two: I sleep with like 5, so I dont know what yahll are thinking...

:::::Your Favorite::::::

Color: silver//gray
Movie: Finding Nemo
Band: Dashboard and the Ataris
Book: The Giver Lois Lowrey
Type of music: emoishness [thanks, Carlos, for the into to all the awesome bands, too]]
Food: Ramen
Ice cream: Choco Chip.... and I like Watermelon Ice, too. MmMmM
Soft Drink: Pink Lemonade
Breakfast food: Those really good Breakfast Burritos from the Deli-thing at UCLA!!
Place to go when bored: Online, haha.
Holiday: Easter, cz its pretty.
Season: Autumn

2003-12-12T21:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think you forget I am here. I wonder--what will you do when I am with other people again? Its almost like its secure that Im not. Cz Im always here for you. Of course I wont forget about you or leave you behind, but we will not be as close. I will not be as here. I wonder--do you realize how it will be when I go back to school? You must know I wont have as much time for you. I will have others to entertain and be with. Others I will be out with; I wont be home. And I dont necessarily think you want to hang out with my friends; as I dont know yours. Theyre youre friends. Besides, were "so much younger than you..." And time is an issue, I guess. Both school and homework. You work; Ill be out [hopefully] or skating. Getting back into the feel of life... of people...
~*~

2003-12-04T23:55:00.000-08:00

The sweetest thing ever said to me was written to me tonight. I dont even know how to react to it. Its so.. ..just read:

mellow yellow says:
awww!!! you see your to good for [Alex], you deserve someone better and nicer
mellow yellow says:
and to me
mellow yellow says:
i thing that *boy* is very lucky
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
thanks, sweetheart. that seriously means a lot to me.
mellow yellow says:
no thank you is needed at all
mellow yellow says:
i would die if i could have a girl like you
mellow yellow says:
i mean your so sweet, nice, careing, and at the same time your down to earth, and real, and just you
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
...i think that is seriously the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.. and i think im going to cry.
mellow yellow says:
awww please dont cry
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
not in a bad way
mellow yellow says:
awwww
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
i dont even know what to say..
mellow yellow says:
i thing im gonna cry know
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
oh! no! why?! dont cry, mi dear.
mellow yellow says:
just wish that i could have a girl like you
mellow yellow says:
and its not bad tears there happy tears to know that i have found a girl like you
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
youre gonna get a girl who is 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000x better than me, and she will make you the happiest person in the entire world. and youre still gonna have me here for you.
mellow yellow says:
i dont thing that there is a girl that is better than you, and im glad that you well always be here for me and i will always be here for you as well no matter what
mellow yellow says:
youv helpd me get over *her*, youv helpd me see her for who she is, you have cared for me when no one else has, you have showed me that everything will be alright
mellow yellow says:
you dont know what this and YOU mean to me
mellow yellow says:
im sorry i know this is alot to take in at once and im sorry
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
no, dont apologize.. im just..
mellow yellow says:
just what?
mellow yellow says:
sweetie you can tell me trust me
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
im just... like.. "wow" cz... no one talks to me like that..
Lain ««Close the World|Open the Next»» says:
and im just glad that i can be here for you
mellow yellow says:
awww and im glad that i can be here an anyway for you as well sweetie

~*~

Cz really... No one says things like that to me... Im just.. "wow, that was the nicest thing someone has said to me.."

2003-11-30T00:01:00.000-08:00

I really dont feel like writing much... I just want to assure everyone that even tho I am not in my best state of minds, Im fine. And please dont worry. Im... fine. I have worked thru harder things than this, and oddly enough: Im not even sure what it is thats bothering me. And Im sorry to everyone thats worried about me... Or that I havent been the best person to.

2003-11-28T22:23:00.000-08:00

Im standing in the middle of a decaying world. Thats how it feels to me right now. I know there are things going right, but they feel like an illusion. Im trying to smile still, Im trying to be bubbly. I have shot-dead no confidence in myself anymore. Not right now. I find myself attacking my weakness every chance I get, and giving myself no praise for what little I feel I do do well. Nothing seems to be enough for me tho. Not from myself. No matter what I try to do, Im still selfish, Im still immature, Im still rude, Im still carless, Im still spoiled, Im still lazy, Im still not cute, Im still not fun and exciting, Im still not perfect for anyone. So fuck me then. I just want to give up trying. But thats not who I am. Im gonna keep trying anyways. Why? Because Im stupid and I never realize when its time to give up and stop trying. And now I sound like Im pitying myself. Do I care at the moment? No.

~*~

Damn, all I wanted was to go Magic Mountain with Lissi, actually spend time with just me and her and have fun. Is that so hard to do? Kati has to leech herself to Lissi, so I dont get to spend time with her. Then even if that happens and Paul goes to hang out with me, Mike would go... Okae, so Mike would be with Paul. And that leaves me... where? My mom made me burst out in tears on the way home... I told her all I wanted was to spend time with my cousin, and she just says "She isnt even your real cousin." Just like that. I wanted to jump out of the damn car at 45mph.

...and the world crumbles just a little more...

And Im trying to be so fucking strong. Im trying to deal with everything thats going on and still be here for my friends and still be here for my family. Me and Lissi are growing apart; she wont even tell me what going on or whats wrong... My aunt is going into surgery next month... Carlos is feeling... downish and all cz of the Yolanda-thing... My mom is spazzing for every whatever reason, my czn Vanessa is moving out, Daves working hard to get extra dollars... And I feel like Im nothing. Im not doing anything helpful for anyone. Im just making everything harder on everyone.

2003-11-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

[[and the words that you say, they echo in my head]]

Today started yesterday. I talked to Carlos until 4.00am again. Agh, I was woken up [[after finally falling asleep at 6.00am]] at 10.00am by a phone call from an aunt that Ive hardly known. She was excited to talk to me and she told me all about my two little czns. The ones that live on the Hoopa Indian Reservation up North. I cant wait to meet them... I met one of them when he was a baby... But I was very young, too, and hardly remember it at all. Today just consisted of phone call after phone call. Doctors, doctors, familia, doctors, familia, school, familia, Vanessa, and familia. And Lissi is here now... I wont get to see her until tomorrow night or Thursday tho. I watch Cheyne again tomorrow, and we should be renting movies this time. I hope. Im gonna miss the hyper little guy. Hes going to Arizona with his dad until January... I found something out from mi mom that doesnt make me the happiest person, but Im gonna keep mi promise... And its probably for the better anyways. And mi mom thinks Im crazy too... Haha, not going into that. School is definetly rolling. Hmm... finally. And Ive been writing too.... BTW,

*~*

Its so weird... So weird. My Little Rinoa, and I forgot to tell you:
I dont know you, my dear, not in person. But I felt you were here yesterday. When I fell asleep watching Nemo with my czn, I felt my head in your lap as you stroked my hair behind my ears... Just how I know you would. And I fell asleep hearing your voice how I think you would sound telling me, "Sleep, my Little One, dream." And I did. The gentleness and care that you project.... You wished me sweetdreams and sent me to sleep... Just the way Vanessa did.

2003-11-25T00:58:00.000-08:00

Continuance of interest:

Carlos was late, but not 4 hours. [[grr]] Haha, at least he called and let me know... Yep, 4 hours of trying to wake him up... *slaps self* Never again. Watched Cheyne today. Little sweetie slept until late! I sat here randomly typing away as he slept. Anyways, Cheyne and Carlos... dont get along. Cheyne wants to punk him up. Carlos called Cheyne a punk... and a Smurf... That pissed Cheyne off... Like wow. Carlos threatened to come over and "fight" with him... Im sitting in the living room eating a Cup-O-Noodle in my PJAIS... So Im like "haha, no." And he realized: "Err--dah, Kid is 10. Duh. Eight years." Dork. Yeah, *twas interesting. Very funny, very. And no, Carlos, you arent a hooker [[as far as I know.....]] But you are slow. Haha. .... Took my shower finally then me and Cheyne watched Finding Nemo in my room... I fell asleep a little after 4.00pm. I guess my Mom took Cheyne home [[but hes coming back tomorrow *^_^*]]... She woke me up at like, 8.00ish [[I think]] to eat dinner... So yes, Little Vivi took a nap. And it caused her to fall behind on her other journal... *eep* ||Will finish after posting this...|| Waking up I decide: theres some ppl I dont want reading my Xanga... and so I change it... *New link already linked on side!* Its pretty... I think. But just getting started. Duugy "aww"ed the Ring picture... [[Its not a engagement ring or whatever]] cz yeah, I told him I dont have anybody that I can share one with... So blah at me. Anyways, I know there was more... but at the moment, my thoughts fail me.

2003-11-24T08:27:00.000-08:00

Well, isnt this morning already interesting? Its 8.12am and Ive been up for an hour. Lets see how Vivi wakes up today:

Mom walks into room around 6.45: "Did you tell him?" *Vivi mumbles* Mom doesnt understand and walks out of room. Fifteen minutes later, she returns. "Why did you ask that?" I mumble into my pillow. Mom strains to understand, and does. "Just curious." "I dont think hes that slow, Mom. I think he knows." "Im going to get Cheyne." *More mumbles from Vivi* "Mom, dont turn the heater on." Mom leaves, then Vivi notices ants are attacking her. DAMMITT! Vivi gets up, takes medicines, goes to living room. 7.15 am: soaks and records videos. 8.00am, okae, need to start trying to wake Carlos up. *Call Cell* No answer. 'OMG, he forgot to take it off silent, Dork.' *Tries again, leaves a message* Waits a few minutes, then calls [one] of the houses. *rings, no answer* Tries [other] house. *rings, no answer* OMG, Child, I tried. Rahr, Grumpy Vivi. Tries cell again. *no answer* IM//txt: "HEY SMART ONE: YOURE PHONE IS STILL ON SILENT, ISNT IT?"

2003-11-23T22:35:00.000-08:00

Okae--this is getting written out: Yes, for some damned reason, I am missing Alex. I am going to go visit him. I do miss talking to him... [[sometimes]] He was a very good friend of mine, I dont think I can help that! And it bugs me that Ive been thinking about him recently. I just wanted to get over that part of my life and be happy, but we were too close for me to let go so fast. I cant part like that. And that bugs me. And I dont know how hes taking it that I want to spend a little bit of time with him. I really dont.

Also, I think things have been misunderstood to a degree in my other journal. The.. I just think ppl think its worse than it really is. Or maybe they see it all differently than I do... But I dont think its that bad. This has happend to me before [[to a lesser deggree]], and Ive made it out of that fine. All I think I need to do is like I said: hold back. It isnt that hard. For me, at least. So please, yahll, thanks for caring and trying to help, and for taking you time, but I know it isnt as bad as maybe it sounds... is it?

2003-11-23T16:22:00.000-08:00

Nothing really evenful. I went to mi Aunts house. Mi Sessa went to dinner at a friends house before she was going to go out. It was Maritsas 23^rd birthday on Wednesday [[11//19//03]]. So while Vanessa was still gone, Maritsa came by wit hher son Alex. Mi Aunt said Alex could spend the night with Cheyne so they could hang out. Maritsas daughter stayed with Maritsas Mom [[i think]]. Anyways, I absolutely love that girl. She is so sweet, shes so cool. I want to adopt her as like, my czn. *^_^* Anyways, I was just really tired last night, but I was achey all over, so I took a bunch of pills and knocked out. Im gonna do the same thing tonight. I feel like.. bleh. My Aunt gave me a journal to write in... Im gonna use it. Ive noticed I dont write out what I should, and I do write out the things that dont bother me as much. I guess I have to deal with things on my own or whatever, I dont know. PS//Lissi will be here in a few days! Yay! And Paul, Im sorry, I love you!!

2003-11-22T09:00:00.000-08:00

Lissi will be here soon. Im very happy about that. She told me today that Ive seemed depressed lately? I dont think so. Ive been quite fine. Well, maybe up until yesterday, but Im not depressed. Nothing particularly bad happened yesterday. After my 22 hours of being awake, I slept in until 10.30am. Not so bad. I woke up to watch I Love the 80s: Strikes Back for a little while before coming on the computer to update mi journal and do mi psych homework. I finished 2 chapters yesterday before Mrs. Bemis came by for math. Shes coming back by on Tuesday. She says Im doing fine, and Im not too far behind, even tho I havent seen her since the day of the PSATs! But shes going to catch me up, so Im not worried. My Spanish 2//Psychology teacher is coming by this afternoon. Im still about 3 chapters behind [[from what hes given me]] in psych. Im a little behind the rest of CIs Spanish classes, but not too much. I get mi first Spanish test today. Exciting. Im not worried about it tho. Im supposed to download "Hurt" by Johnny Cash for him. Im not sure I want to. He wants me to burn him the Dashboard Unplugged too. *shrugs* I guess yesterday wasnt very eventful. But it wasnt stressful, so that was nice. Today looks to have a little stress: I gotta actually wear jeans again [[haha, not like I didnt do that a few days ago...]] cz I might go help mi czn get a new computer. He thinks Im smart-like-that, but Im not, and I tried to tell him that. Whatever tho, I know more than he does about computers. :P Yeah, he wants me to learn "Are You Happy Now" cz hes learning it on his guitar, and he wants me to sing it with him. Well, he plays, I sing, yah know? So Im kinda like... "...kae, I gave up on singing, ppl." Besides that, Im also probably going to mi Aunts tonite. Im looking forward to it. I want to wear my cute jacket and stuff. I havent gotten to wear it in a while cz of mi damn back. Ugh. Oh, and I go back to UCLA the week after Thanksgiving. That means Im missing most of Lissis trip... I cant change it, and Moms pissed that Im pissed about that. Like WTH, thats one of the only ppl I even like, and I never get to see her in the first place. I think that means were going to Magic Mountain on either the Saturday or Sunday after Thanksgiving... Hopefully she can go. Im stressing a little bit about getting the Disneyland tickets too. Im gonna have to pay the $46//each for them cz I wont have enough money by the end of the month. Especially since we have to stay in a hotel in LA again. I hate having to stay down there. But maybe itll be a little better this time. Maybe. Only 2 more after this one and I can look forward to Home Care again. Thank goodness. Hopefully I wont even need it anymore after the next few times. Ive only done it twice, but thats IV enough for me. Anyways, I need to work on my homework a little more before I jump in the shower. +_+

2003-11-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

Wow, today was... Waking up at 5.30am after going to sleep at 3.00am, doesnt seem to do a world of good. Mom and Dave were hissy since this morning, throwing Mom in a bad mood for practically the rest of the day. Of course I go lay down in their room, but Mom takes a shower, so the light keeps me from sleeping. Im not tired anyways. I turn the TV on and watch music videos. Mom leaves to go to mi Aunta house early. Shell be back soon. I go to the living room to record videos... And use the soak so I dont rip my head off. I actually ate breakfast and took all medicine on time.... [[up until the ones I have to take soon]]. When Mom came home, been having on-and-off small arguments all day. Shes pissy because of Dave. She had to be a "plumber" today cz Dave wont install my low pressure showerhead, so she did. It feels nice to be able to be under running water rather than pouring it on me from a plastic cup. So my shower is done and I get dressed. Carlos said he would visit today and I was supposed to go by mi Aunts house too. Not much happened. Didnt go to mi Aunts. A little glad since she kind of made me cry today. Not in a bad way, just because I got mad at myself. Im better now tho... Kind of. Ive got good spirits.... But on with the day: Got very bored and played some FFVIII, did psych homework... Carlos wont knock on mi door. He met Dave. Dave got pissed at me tho and went to the room early cz Carlos was here. My mom likes him tho, so she let us hang out. Im glad he visited. Its been a while. Yeah, interesting talking with him and Mom. haha. Bah, I almost called Alex today. I need to stop trying to talk to him now. I let him go, he pulls me back, then he ignores me when I care again. Repeated story of my life. He isnt worth it. Wrote in mi journal... Words Cant Express... [[Vivi mad at herself cz she cant seem to express herself well enough...]]

2003-11-18T18:46:00.000-08:00

I think mi computer hates me. Haha. Its just jealous. Yeah, I just uploaded all the awesome pictures for Manda*s Blog [[linked on the side]] She just has to link them for her site now. ^_^ Uhm, I told Carlos last night about Disneyland. I... Im not sure how much hes looking forward to it... So yeah. No big deal tho, I guess...? My Uncle Tony is going to take me, my czns Cheyne, Vanessa, and Lissi to Magic Mountain right after Thanksgiving. Im really excited about that, but mi Mom is pissed that Im going. Haha, oh well, Ive been wanting to. Uhm, I mentioned Disneyland, but she didnt say anything. Not sure if it registered... She shouldnt mind as much about it tho cz it isnt like the rides are all crazy like MM. About a week more until Lissi gets here, hurray! Yeah, Im excited. I get to spend time with most of mi favorite ppl soon!!! Uhm, what else? Oh, haha, mi Sessa asked me what I want for Christmas... I gave her this blank expression. I cant really think of anything. Like, theres stuff I want I guess, but I can get it myself. So yeah, that was interesting. OH! My mom and mi aunt made enchiladas last night... like, 4 batches, and I only ate 2 of them... [[not batches]] I was soo mad cz there were none left today. My aunt kept 2 batches, we took 2 home, but we gave 1 batch to Daves friend. [[grr]] so today I didnt have anything to eat... I had to eat bread dipped in Pahsketti sauce to take mi medicine. That sucked. Yeah, and we have chocolate cake, so CARLOS needs to come by and claim some before we dont have it anymore!!! And I have to give you the movie, too. I keep forgetting about that... Ill find the mic too... ...Ill ask Dave about where it is later. So yeah. Uhm... OH! And we have cookies again. *^_^* Haha, when dont we tho? Seriously.

2003-11-17T22:03:00.000-08:00

Wow. OMG, so Im like... *price* on my gift for Carlos for Christmas.. Thinking 'Yeah, itll only be $25 each... No prob, Ill till even get him that cute shirt I saw.' OMG, I called mi tia to ask her about it, OMG, try it being like... $36-$46 for ONE. OMG. Then like, at least the mic [only 1] is like.. free... if I can find it... Cz yeah, its brand new, just... sitting in the box somewhere, so whatever. But that shirt was sooo cute and I wanted to get it... But thats another... $25 for a shirt on top of the $36-$46 for the other thing. *EeK* I am... wow. Haha. He may not be getting that shirt anymore. :P So yeah, Im totally in shock at the moment. About... a lot of in shock. YOU BETTER LIKE IT, CARLOS, DAMMITT!

2003-11-15T23:08:00.000-08:00

Not too shabby of a day. Czn Scott came over and played the guitar for a bit after I showed him the Dashboard DVD. He likes it. Thats good. ^_^ Given a few new assignments. HmMm... He made me smile//blush about something. *^_^* Haha. I went to mi aunts too. We watched the Dashboard DVD over there, too. And started Finding Nemo... Haha, the relationship between Merlin and Nemo is so much lik My mom and myself. I love it. I love mi Mom. Dave too. As much as they piss me off and as much as I piss them off.... I love them. They are good parents. I have to make sure to tell them that more often.... Well, its early, but I dont even want to be online... I just want to lay in the dark and think...

2003-11-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

I am unaware of what to make of tonites events. All I want is to go to Borders to get my Love Hina Volume 2 and my Dashboard Confessional CD. I have the book in my hands, holding it as a child would; clinging to the book between my hands as if it were a golden treasure. Scanning, scanning, I find Dashboard Confession Unplugged [[MTV]] and happily leap back with excitement, cradling both of my new treasures. Out of nowhere, the vision of a scraggly man in dark clothing appears. Startled, I stop. Eyes still shining, I glance at the man. I am transfixed, afraid to look away for fear of him hurting me as he tells me his tale. "Ill have a lot of money someday. I can help you. I can pay for all the medical bills you need. Im going to be rich," he tells me with a monotone voice. "Thats okae," I softly reply, my eyes still dancing with the love for the treasure being held too tightly in my hands. I feel like a child. I am afraid of this man, yet I cannot move away. "I know you see a dog when you look at me," he continues, "I see a dog when I look in the mirror. Im cursed. My family is cursed," he says. "They have been for generations. It all started when a good Christian woman went to a fortune teller to find out what God had in store for her," he begins. I feel as tho I have fallen into a fantasy realm. This only happens in fantasies. People do not do this in real life. He continues his tale, but I cannot hear the words. In my head, all I can hear are my own words repeating 'Thats okae, Mister. Its being taken care of. All I want is my Dashboard CD...' Faintly, I hear his words as he tells me, "I can love you. I know what it feels like not to be loved. I can help you..." Again, the words repeat in my head: 'Thats okae, Mister. Its being taken care of. All I want is my Dashboard CD...' Why is this man here? I want him to go away, he is scaring me. Next to me, I can feel mi madre's presence tighten. 'Mama Bear is going to attack' I think with a smile. I feel so small, I feel like a child. Gripping tighter to the small collection in my hands, I am frozen, staring at this frightening man as Mom quietly tells him we are fine. I dont know why he leaves, but I am glad he does. Still I am not quite aware of the incident that had taken place, and even tho Madre warns me not to go away from her side, I am happy to be out of the house, and float myself about the store. Story Time is going on by the Mangas with all of the little kids. I cannot go over there and disturb them. I listen for a few seconds until Mom takes me away. I dont want to go home yet, and the scary man circles the store looking for us. Mom informs the management. I guess he was taken out of the store. I want to look still. Mom is tired, she is scared, she wants to go home. Finding Nemo is picked up somewhere along the line of my drifting. No Dashboard 2004 calendar is to be found with the walls of Borders. No problems, calendars are everywhere. Maybe at Best Buy' I think. Get in line. I drift to the magazines in a daze, scan the Anime magazines to find INUYASHA is plastered across the covers of many. Excited, I almost drop my CD to the floor as I raise my hands to my mouth and squeal. I feel so childlike and happy. 'Chris Carrabba, Chris Carrabba' repeats incessantly in my mind. Finally aware I cannot see mi madre, I walk to the check out. There she is, next in line... I am excited holding my CD, book, and movie. Mom is still scared of the man. The words he spoke to me play over in my head. The monotonous voice droning on. It still has no effect on me. "Im cursed," he said, "Im cursed." Why tell me that? Why lay down those words upon a sick 16-year old girl you dont know? I have my CD, I am happy. After spastic moments [[involving the opening of my CD]], I find myself walking to the truck. "No bag needed, thank you, I want to hold them." In the car, I relay the story to Mom. She did not know what the man said. She was on full defense, ready to attack. I walk in the door, the first words uttered from my mouth the story I knew Mom would tell wrong if I didnt tell it first. "Good thing I wasnt there," Dave says. "I would have socked him." "I know what its like not to feel loved. I can love you," I remember the man said. 'My friends love me. My family loves me. I love me. I am loved. You should be loved to, but not by me. You are scaring me' I remember wanting to say. I felt as tho any comment, any movement, would upset the man, and I was afraid for what he could do. But it is over, and now all I can do is try not to remember it. "You have no power over me." Why would he say such things to me? I will not think about it anymore. I will watch my Dashboard Unplugged [[MTV]] DVD and my Finding Nemo DVD and smile. And be happy. And wait to talk to Carlos and have him get the nights events to drift away...

2003-11-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

Its fairly obvious what this is about:

I close my eyes with the inability to breathe. 'Why did I say that? Why did I take it that far? Im sorry. You have to know I didnt mean it, Im so sorry. I dont know how to say Im sorry. Im sorry.' How could I have even said such a thing? Over a stupid song, even. I knew it would hurt to say it even before you finished saying Dalias name. I knew whatever I was going to say, it was going to be mean; it was going to be wrong. But what did I do? I said it anyways. 'Breathe, Vivi, breathe. In... Out....' I cant speak. I feel horrible. I dont want to hang up, but I dont want to speak. Im scared to speak. Im scared of what youre thinking. Im scared of what I said. My mind races too fast. I try to control my thoughts and make my heart stop racing. A sudden dizzying spell falls over me. If I hadnt been laying down, I would have fallen to the floor. Seconds pass and I continue to breathe heavily. "Are you okae?" 'No.' "Yeah. Im okae." More silence. 'Im so sorry, Im so sorry.' I wish you hadnt called. You werent supposed to. You said you werent going to. I never would have said that if you hadnt. I thought you had things to do. I.. feel horrible. I dont want to remember that conversation. I deleted the recording. I never want to hear "Milkshake" again. I deleted the recording. I dont want to remember that. Im going to, you know. And I feel awful. You dont understand, you dont understand, I feel awful. Maybe just a few days? Just a few... so I can feel better? I never know how you really feel. I dont know if I really hurt you or if youre joking around.. I almost never know. I dont. You wont tell me. And Im left to guess.. And Im left to think the worst, and Im left to feel sick inside....

2003-11-12T20:16:00.000-08:00

Mmh. Im a little sad... Ive been alright today... Just a little sad. Thinking. Thats never good. [[hah]]

...........

I think I shouldnt talk to Carlos so much. Not that I dont want to. I enjoy it. I look forward to talking to him... Even tho sometimes I dont hear the words. But last night he told me he cant really do anything when hes talking to me.. I felt kinda bad. A lot. He has enough going on that he doesnt need to be sidetracked from. Work. School. I know he needs time to do his schoolwork, and he doesnt always have a lot of time in the first place. If talking to me is using time he can do his work with, I feel horrible. I know he needs to get it done. Hes been saying how he misses his family. Since hes so busy and his time track is so different from his familys, he hardly gets to see them. I feel so bad. I know that doesnt have anything to do with me, but still. I mean, I talk to him more in one night than I talk to most ppl in a month. Weve been talking even later recently... The other night until 4.30, another night until 3.30, another until 3.00.... Last night was early around 2.15. We really need to get on better sleep schedules. Bah, weve even been talking from 11.00 or 11.30 ... Maybe we just need to talk a little less? Maybe things will work out better if we do that... Not that I want to, but I feel so bad. I unno, Ill leave it to him on how much we talk. If its a lot, thats great. If its not as much, thats fine too. Cz I know he really needs to use his time, and I dont want to waste it.

2003-11-12T12:22:00.000-08:00

Pink Snowflakes... Not bad of a band... Only heard a few songs... Not too shabby. *smiles* Made a snowman with Duugy, but he melted... Well, made him on MSN, but blogger melted him... Made him all skinny. Haha. His name was KaLbOn... Bet yah cant guess why!!! [[Tell 'em, Duugy!]] (~,~) Yeah. It hailed last night. It was really pretty lightening and thunder, too. I loved it. It made me sleep easier. I hope it rains tonite too.

2003-11-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

OMG, us crazy kids!! [[lolz]] Carlos is almost catching up to Belsasar!! [[lolz]] So yesterday was all awesome *points to previous weblog* but then I got bored for a while... Around 11.30ish [[regular timing for us now]], I call Carlos... Yeah, so were talking, being our random, spastic selves, like always... Eeerdah. Yeah, and we come to the conclusion: we dont have normal coversations! Like, we have akward convos, but not akward silences... And definetly not regular convos either... So I try to start one... Which gets ruined by "Shake it like a polaroid picture..." by Carlos and mi random laughter and statement that it would look like spastic seisure movements since I was laying down... Carlos did.. something or another and started busting up... We arent normal. [[lolz]] Okae, yeah, so we are being random, whatever, hes plaing my Valkyrie Profile, and Im trying to help or whatever, but I suck cz I havent played it in forever. So yeah.... Its like.... 4.30 in the freaking morning when we finally get off the phone!! OMG!! [[lolz]] and he didnt even know.. I was like "Wow, Im special." [[lolz]] Haha, but yeah, at like, 4.00 hes all "Ah, mi ppl are gonna be up soon"-status, so I tell him "Tell them you just got up!" then my Mom wakes up and Im all like "Sh!et!" Then I like "Nah, mi moms cool...." So I yell "Gmorning, Mom!" and she comes in and Im all... still on the phone and shes just like... "Damn" [[lolz]]. I unno, it was funny... Yeah, and I woke up at like... 11.00 in the am... Kinda forgot to wake Carlos up at 12.00 cz I was doing homework.... Luckily when I called at 12.3 someone else had randomly alread called him, so thank goodness... [[lolz]]. Okae, well thats about... Thats kinda it... [[lolz]] and my creepy music, but no one ever sees this site anyways, so whateve. :P

2003-11-09T22:33:00.000-08:00

Such an exciting day!!! +_+ I woke up, not in a happy way. Not good. But Dave told me Nana was picking me up at 1.30 to take me to see Brother Bear with her, my [krazy] czns, and mi aunt. So Im grouchy but happy. I get in the shower, take a niiiice loooong shower, felt sooooo incredibly good! *^_^* Hehe, I only had to use the cup to pour water on my back!! YAY! That means Im getting better cz it doesnt hurt to take a shower [as much]!! W00t! [[lolz]] So anyways, Im getting dressed and decide to wear mi cute little nutral outfit with the cute little hat, so I did. I wrote a really awesome entry for mi cooly journal, but rite when I pressed save mi damned computer crashed completely. It was all in good time [if it had to happen] cz mi Nana pulled up rite then. I brushed mi teeth and headed for Edward's. Yeah, so we met up with Cyndi, Kati, Carly, & Serena and went to see the movie. It was cute!! Not the best, but it was cute. I had a good time, and it was fun chylaxin with Kati! So yeah. Then Nana took me home and Dave drove me to mi aunts house. [Aunt Sabrina, the preachy one :P]

Yeah, so I got there and mi Gramma, Mom, Sessa, Cheyne, & Sabrina all complimented me on mi outfit and how well I actually matched. [[lolz]] I thought it was funny. And mi Gramma said I looked like a French girl cz of mi hat. [[lolz]] So that was cool. I talked to Sessa for a while and we hung out and she burned me the new Something Corporate CD. She said it was really good. I had Brazillian food for dinner [YuMmY!], and Sessa started to do mi nails. We didnt finish cz Dave was at home all hungry, so shes gonna paint them and all that fun stuff tomorrow or Tuesday. +_+ Before we left I gave Sabrina a back massage and she was sooo happy. It was a good night. It was interesting and fun. No fights, it was fun. :P

So tomorrow Mom has the day off. Ill probably run around with her and Gramma for a while and cyLax with Sabrina, Cheyne, and Sessa for a while too. Tuesday Sabrina has the day off, so I think she wanted to hang with me. Im not sure I can handle 3 days straight, but Ill try! :P [[hehe, Im mean, I know!] On Wednesday I should call Kim so we can do something [cz shes been wanting to get out of the house!] So I have to find some time [well, make some time] to get all my schoolwork done, cz I am falling a bit behind. (eEp!) So thats it for now!

2003-11-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

To start off.. Talked to Traci todae. *kisses Traci* muches of loves to her. *^_^* So WTF, edible panties?! WTF?! Okae, moving on....

Another interesting night of talking to Carlos. Isnt it always? LoLz, I dont even remember what we talked about... Boy Meets World.... More Fluff.. uhm, who knows what else....

Again, WTF, edible panies?!

Err--talked to BriBri. ^_^ Haha, thrice the wakeup call. LoLz. Woke Michael up at 11ish [his time] and we talked for a while... Knowing Carlos and his bad sleep habits, I called him so he wouldnt be late for work. Haha, you know you needed to be waked up. Then called BriBri. +_+ Woke him up at 12ish [his time]. Haha, sure, the one day Im awake before 4 in the pm and I wake everyone else up! LoLz!!!

Edible panties, Traci, WTF. LoLz. Haha, fruit roll-ups//flavored ricepaper... Real sexy, I know. XD

Uhm, yeah. Thats.... thats all interesting, Im sure... OH! OH! OH! So my "Hands Down" video downloaded... *^_^* Its a version I hadnt seen...Kinda weird, but cooly all the same. +_+ Chris has his eyes closed practically the ENTIRE video tho... *sad face* So here I go trying to find the wacked out MTV version with the weirdo colors and such. Yeah, hes f'N hot. LoLz.

End Note: WTF, EDIBLE PANTIES?! WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO EAT PANTIES?!

2003-11-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

Im not the biggest fan of being awake... Wanna sleep. sLeEeEeEeEeEePpPpPpPpPp. hehe.

I want a boifriend. I want a cooly cooly emo guy.

Heheh, in time, Im gonna get a little Emo kid! *^_^*

2003-11-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

Okae, is everybody ready? Yes, Im gonna be ghetto like mi favorite buddy Carlos and make a list of things I Want to Waste My Money On, so here it is:

CDs:

Brand New ~ Deja Entendu

Brand New ~ Your Favorite Weapon

Dashboard Confessional ~ Unplugged

Dashboard Confessional ~ Places You Have Come to Fear the Most

Dashboard Confessional ~ Swiss Army Romance

Dashboard Confessional ~ A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar

Taking Back Sunday ~ Tell All Your Friends

Sunset Black ~ Common Ground

The Used ~ The Used

Linkin Park ~ Meteora
(and theres a bunch more I cant remember rite now)

Games:

FFX-2 [and guidebook]

.Hack [game series]

Legend of Legia II [even tho its been out forever]

Inuyasha [for PS]
(and theres a bunch more I cant remember rite now)

DVDs:

Spirited Away [MUST OWN]

Finding Nemo

Chobits [whats out so far]

Wuthering Heights

The Lizzie McGuire Movie

What a Girl Wants [Holy Sh!t, that Kid is hott!]
(and theres a bunch more I cant remember rite now)

Mangas:

Love Hina series

.Hack series

FLCL series

Magic Knight Rayearth series [authentic, not forward]

Fushigi Yuugi series

Inuyasha serieses
(and theres a bunch more I cant remember rite now)

Random Stuff:

a really hot poster of Chris Carrabba

a really hot poster of Chris Brown

the [framed] Kanji pictures [colour to match mi new room] of Love, Hope, Passion, Friendship, and Tranquility.
(and theres a bunch more I cant remember rite now)

2003-11-03T23:42:00.000-08:00

Not much going on....
Woke up at 4.15
to Daves NASCAR.
bah, NASCAR.
Been rather b!tchy.
Just sick of being sick,
I think.
I even was quite mean
at Carlos.
haha.
He probably deserved it tho.
I hardly remember even talking to him.
[Sorry, kid]
Other than that,
working on Tears.Behind.a.Smile
Used a bit of that on my Xanga.
Xanga still pisses me off...
Still not able to hold a pencil well enough to do much work...
Teacher coming by on Wednesday
to pick up a lot fo work
that I havent done...
Haha, Ill do as much as I can tomorrow...
But I know Im gonna be sleeping
thru most of the day.
*St00pid Vivi*
Kae, thats the update for now.
And...
nm, dont want to mention it.

2003-11-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

An old email from BJ:

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS
>
> Question 1:
>
> If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were
> deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
> you recommend that she have an abortion?
>
> Read the next question before looking at the
> response for this one.
>
>
>
> Question 2:
>
> It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
> Here are the facts about the three candidates.
>
> Candidate A
> Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists.
> He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes
> and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
>
> Candidate B
> He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college
> and
> drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
>
> Candidate C
> He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
> occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
>
> Which of these candidates would be your choice?
>
> Decide first... no peeking,
> then scroll down for the response.
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
>
> Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
>
> Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
>
>
> And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
>
> If you said YES
>
>
>
>
> you just killed Beethoven.
>
> Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
> Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading...
>
> Never be afraid to try something new.
> Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
> Professionals...built the Titanic
>
> And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
> than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
>
>
> * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
> *7 have been arrested for fraud
> * 19have been accused of writing bad checks
> * 117have directly or indirectly bankruptedat least 2 businesses
> * 3have done time for assault
> *71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
> *14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
> *8 have been arrested for shoplifting
> * 21are currently defendants in lawsuits
> * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
>
>
> Can you guess which organization this is?
>
>
>
> Give up yet?
>
> It's the 535 members of theUnited StatesCongress.
>
> The same group of idiots that
> crank out hundreds of new laws each year
> designed to keep the rest of us in line.

2003-11-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

just getting frustrated. com hates me. barely chatting. xanga isnt working as wanted. blogger seems plain. writers block for fod. secrets increase. getting annoyed at the last one i thought i would rite now. mreh. checking.want to talk to michael agai! *^_^* hehe, called georgia. greatness! *kisses michaels cheek* 18 months, okae?

2003-10-31T22:32:00.000-08:00

Alive. Barely functioning, but alive. Barely move either hand. Damn needles. My veins are weak. They suck. Had IV needle in left hand for 3 days. Starting coming out and leaking blood on Day 3. IV needle out for night. Hand sore, skin ripped up. Day 4, IV needle goes into right hand. Vein too weak to hold needle, comes out. Repoked into different vein, right hand. Not fun. Barely slept Day 4. Slept for long time other 3 days. Too much sleep. Right hand same as left. Ripped skin and ouchies. Slept all day today. All day. Awake now, but sleepy. I love you, Lissi.

2003-10-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

im really not happy rite now. i could be if i tried really hard, but im not. its hard to even open my stupid eyes. just want to sleep and not wake up until im better. i havent been eating. not cz im starving myself or anything, im just not hungry. last week was fun, but it was way too much for me to handle all at once. ive said that maybe a million times. things were... tolerable, but now everything seems to be snowballing down on me. hurt is everywhere... in and out. dont want to discuss it, but everyone knows anyways... wont be blogging for a few day...

2003-10-24T23:20:00.000-07:00

So tonite was the Homecoming game. I wanted to go, so I did. I went with Vanessa and Steph. Steph sat with her friends and me and V sat with Theresa, Candy, Heather, Kacey, and a few other random ppl. *Hugs n Kisses to my alls* Yeah, I petted ppls heads and gave back massages most of the game. V, TC, Candy and me went on an adventure to get water, OMG, thats was fun! It was. Uhm, after the game, I was supposed to ask Vanessas parents for a ride, but Jenn invited me to go to In-N-Out with (almost literally) everyone. SO Jenn drove me, David (Jeccas brother), Riekie, and Riekies boyfriend to In-N-Out. But there was waaaaayy too many ppl there for my comfort, so I said thanks and randomly took off. I called Carlos to come visit me and told him I was around In-N-Out. He said he would come by, so in the meanwhile I walked around the parking lot alone (at night) talking to Traci. Then Carlos was like... there, so I got off with Traci and yeah. So we hung out for a little while. I gave him a massage too. Yeah, and he was all tired, so he drove me home. So its been an eventful week. I think Im ready for Monday now. (O.o)

2003-10-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

found somethings out today that made me really really sad. oh well tho, nothing i can do about any of them, might as well not worry. but i got a positive take on at least one of the things. i went to the play Steel Magnolias with mrs abbott. of course she cried at the end. omg, they were all sooo good! it was amazing. i want to see it again. im probably gonna pay to go see it with steph. *^_^* hurray for me! vanessa, steph, and val are all coming over tomorrow before the game, i think. then we are all going to go to the game together, im thinking. not positive tho. i guess ill find out tomorrow. i love mrs abbott, she is so adorable and cute! oh, and dave left today. hes gonna be gone for the weekend. hes in atlanta for nascar. im going in on monday... until thursday. friday tc is gonna come over i guess. i pray im gonna be up to speed. we are supposed to go to the movies. shouldnt be any big thing. i just cant tell my mom what were gonna go see. shed be like "rah! not on halloween" lolz. well, not the rah. haha. but thats about it for now... i think. just some sad about some stuff. whatever for me tho. i suck.

2003-10-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

....sometimes i feel like that theme song from Friends... you know, the "ill be there for you" one?

Verse 1

So no one told you life was gonna be this way. [four claps]
Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A.
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year,

Chorus

I'll be there for you!
(When the rain starts to pour)
I'll be there for you!
(Like I've been there before)
I'll be there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)

Verse 2

You're still in bed at ten and work began at eight,
You've burned your breakfast so far, things are going great,
Your mother warned you there'd be days like these,
But she didn't tell when the world has brought you down to your knees.

Chorus

yeah. im always here for my friends... even when they arent my friends. not sure how many actually know that tho. i love them. in some way, every friend, online or irl, they mean something. every friend has affected me somehow. i just wanted to say that i feel like that song and that i really care about my friends, and im here for any and all of them if they ever decide to need me.

2003-10-22T12:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite long. Not in bad ways. After all of that, *points to last post* Mom, Dave, me go to Mervyns. Dave needs pants. Got some. His trip is starting tomorrow. *^_^* Have fun! But we at Mervyns. Dave gets pants. Mom says get bras and panties. :P Goes to look, but doesnt exactly know what to look for at this time... *slaps self* Found out exactly what I didnt want to know... *sad face* Tried 2, didnt like. Didnt like more what they told me. Grr. Started not feeling good. Wanted to cry again. Refused in public. Ran into Aunt and Cheyne. Aunt tries to push me to get one. Didnt like Mervyns selection. Bleh. GAP is better... ((Never hear me say that again!!)) Dave comes. Get toe socks. *currently wearing* *^_^* Leave. Decided Auntie and Cheyne have dinner with us. Sharkys. Wasnt hungry. Havent wanted food lately. *sad face* Mom is worried. Got a Jamba Juice and Quesadilla. Didnt finish either. Dave felt sick after eating. Came home. Hassle with hotel room for LA. *sigh* Much too hectic. But almost done. Carlos calls in middle of it. 7.30, curious as to what call was about, called back. "Now what were you talking about?" Coming over "around 8.30" to bring Dashboard shirt. Much tired already. Exhausting day. Waits for Carlos. 8.30, nope. 9.00, nope. Almost 9.30, Mom worries if something happened maybe. Calls. On his way already. "Oh." Waits on couch. Calls here. Here. I greet outside... Away from Daves window.. Dont want to get in trouble. No, no. Hug. Gives shirt (Shirt almost to knees. Sleepy shirt.). *currently wearing* Give dollars for shirt. "Thanks muchly." Talk a little. Goes to his car. Breaks out with guitar. Plays. Mom tells to go a little more away from window... Misinterpreted. Guitar goes away. Skateboard comes out. Just stands on it. Shows firecrackers. Has Sparkler now. :P More chatter. Carlos has a tummyache. Bye. Goes inside. Little energy, still tired. Goes to room, falls asleep by 11.30 in the night. Misses Carlos call. Wakes back up ar 1.15. Returns call. Talks. 3.00, back to sleep. Just see too many ppl yesterday. Nice, but crazy. Like things calm. Too much family in 1 day. LoLz. Gramma, Terry, Aunt Sabrina, Cheyne. Hectic. Fun tho. But hectic day. Slower today. Wake up 11.30. Call czn to get form from hotel. Laundry. Relax. Do homework later. Just relax from yesterdays excitement. Might go a little shopping for what I need today. Maybe Friday. Probably Friday. Play with Mrs Abbott tomorrow. 5-9. Dinner then show. Nice. *^_^*

2003-10-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

Quite the exciting day. Slept 2 hours. Talked to Carlos until 3.30 in the am. Able to fall asleep around 4. Woke at 6 in the am. Nothing special in the morning besides it being morning. Took PSATs. No sure how well or not well. Average, maybe. Wasnt being too careful with answers. After talked to Abbott. Made plans to see play on Thursday with her. Saw Abbi. Kisses to her. Went to say hello to Nurses. Concered. Talked with them for a bit. Madre came. Took me to Borders. Happy Vivi Kirara. 3 new books: The Secret Life of Bees for school (Abbotts book club), Excel.Saga 1 (hurray for reading new mangas!), & FLCL 1. Saw anime last night. Replaced Inu. *sad face* Seemed funny. Very weird. Mind bending. Must find out more. *^_^* Went to Tillys then. 2 outfits... Not good deal on price. Bad dollars. Cute clothes. *smiles* Next BB&B. $800. Wowza. New bed set. Everything new. No more colors! Bye-bye light blue and yellow. Tans now. Ivorys and tans. Nice. Pretty pretty. *^_^* Muches of likes. Came home. *sighs* Needed relax. Filled out silly survey for Doll. (Not allowed to call Carlos dearest). Madre came home now. Brought me my pretty checks! *very happy* Thinking only $1500 in bank. More later. Checks so pretty. Going shopping again. Long day. Exciting. *^_^* Know what to get some friends for Christmas too... Almost $30 per girl tho. eesho. Might cut down Xmas list some. Dont know what to get for Doll. ...Dont want to call him Doll... Sounds Girl. Think of something if I cant call you Dearest!! Thinking, not sure. Not sure a few ppl if I want to do something or not... Manda something small or shes gonna be mad with me. *sigh* Czns shall be easy, hopefully. Pauls is early. Alkaline Trio. Not sure Michael. Hehe, going to splurge some on Lissi. Pretty Vivi-like clothes for her! (Nothing Gothy Black, yakusoku!) ...Thinking now... Only 3 girls: Eileen, Manda, *secret*... Want to go all-out. Cant. Few ppl, spend the dollars available. *^_^* Sound like a plan! *hugs n kisses*

2003-10-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
amzanig huh?

hehe, got that offa a friend*s xanga! *^_^* loves to her.

2003-10-18T22:38:00.000-07:00

sometimes its quite hard to say how im feeling. i feel so bad letting others know whats wrong.. when i feel down, i have a tendency to "make" other ppl feel down with me.. i dont try to.. i really dont, and i dont know how i do it. maybe its just part of my personality.... personality... i kinda wonder what mines actually is sometimes.. do i act differently with certain ppl? or am i usually about the same? im not sure when ppl ask me "what im like" what to say... its oddly frightening not to be able to answer that question. anyways, heres something that... well, i was talking to someone, and this is how i feel about being sick:

"hopefully one day i can do what i want to.. i mean, there has to be a reason that i got it.. i believe that.. i dont think its Gods punishment or something... I have this to help m[e] somehow.. I believe that... Even tho its hard to keep faith thru it all, but yeah... I mean, thanks for the concern and all... But it isnt like theres anything you can do..."

i guess its true. i mean, no one can do anything about it... well, besides the doctors and all.. and im really hoping that the treatment works... cz if i dont respond to it.. i dont know what im going to do... ive been getting depressed enough and crying far too much as its been lately.. i dont need anything else bringing me down.

2003-10-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

when life gets back to normal a little bit, he can find out. until then, i think i want to play 'keep away' ... as immature as that is, oh well. i still sleep with my chillybear, does it seem like i care about being "immature" ??? its not exactly as if its going to matter in the first place seeing how my world isnt never revolving the same way. oh well. lolz, my world is the vivi way. :P

2003-10-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

i just hate it sometimes... knowing that the few things i want i can never have. and even if i can eventually have some of those things, not all of my wishes can come true.

2003-10-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

"itll take time" "in time youll get better" "its gonna take time to get over it" ... well what if im sick of waiting? every single person that tells me "in time" i want to break down in vicious tears and scream at them. i want to tell them: "why dont you try living with what i have? why dont you go thru one day being so insecure about yourself and hating yourself for something you have no control over! go thru one day in my shoes, one day when people look at you awful.. like youre a freak. go thru one day wanting to fit in again. then after you live thru it for one day, you can remember ive lived like that for over a year and a half... try and tell me 'in time'..." it isnt like ive always had to experience this.. im not used to it, even tho i try to be... i wasnt always sick, and now that i am, i hate it. people i used to be close with i dont even talk to anymore... i just feel.. i feel like im worth so much less now.. like i dont really matter... im nothing but a pain. i just want to be better, then leave... leave all of this pain and this hurt and this hatred behind me. i want people to care about me again how they used to... im sick of being "fragile" and im sick of hurting myself and im sick of hurting others...

2003-10-15T20:48:00.000-07:00

About my Sexuality:

((according to studies, your sexual identity is
revealed by the first letter of your first name... ))

*V-You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

**Tequila Sunrise**

2003-10-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

starting out, im not really sure what to say. its not exactly like i can blog what happens in my life... i stay home.. *sad sigh* i always delete my journals when certain people find them, so hopefully i wont delete this one.. i like it. *^_^* i guess like usual, itll be more of how im feeling than whats "going on." if it was any other way, every day would be "today, i stayed home. i did some homework." wow. exciting. sometimes i am extatically happy for no apparent reason. at other times, i do get quite down. my closest friends tend to cheer me up. most of the time without trying. (*^_^* muches loves to you Lissi and Carlos *^_^*)) besides that, i write everything out. well, not everything, but quite a bit. i advise to check out the links on the side. *points to left side of screen* especially the poems and quiz results! >.< and the xanga link goes to my xanga journal that i hardly update. lolz. i just wanted to try it out. :-P anyways, thats it for now. latah daze.

2003-10-15T17:29:00.000-07:00

Starting out. *^_^*